


Desperate Housewife

by pandaspots



Series: Toddlers and Tiaras AU [2]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Agender Character, Asexual Character, Fluff, Humor, M/M, eren with a stick up his ass, times 2
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-03
Updated: 2015-02-03
Packaged: 2018-03-10 06:28:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3280157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pandaspots/pseuds/pandaspots
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eren accidentally gets a vibrator stuck in his ass.<br/>Jean is far too amused.</p><p>part of the Tiaras Are For Queens universe</p>
            </blockquote>





	Desperate Housewife

**Author's Note:**

> i think i should feel sorry for not posting an actual chapter for tiaras are for queens but i am not  
> have some future fic, set about 14 years after the current chapter of Tiaras are for Queens (which is nº5)
> 
> [now with added fanart by sugarvoid!](http://sugarvoid.tumblr.com/post/114609667594/norseaboo-its-late-but-heres-what-i-got-from)

Eren was indulging. He felt like he had a right to it. He bought groceries today, and cleaned the house, changed all the linens and vacuumed the living room; he was totally within his right to throw in a bath melt with glitter in the bathtub, light a candle, grab a bowl of cherries, and dive in with a waterproof vibrator with a bottle of silicon based lube.

He was living the life. The slow vibrations against his prostate made him hum in pleasure. He was glittering from head to toe, and probably on the inside too. Picking a cherry, he slowly moved the shaft in and out, reveling in the sensation. Jean should be back at any moment, and they were supposed to go out for dinner, but he supposed he could take his sweet time a little more, draw out the sweet torture a little more.

“Hey, gorgeous.”

Eren startled and sat up abruptly. Jean was leaning on the door frame, still wearing his work suit, looking very ravishing.

“Hello, there, hot stud--” Eren leaned to the side of the bathtub, and then he remembered one thing. A vibrator, still on, that slid right into his ass. “Oh-- my god.”

“Are you alright, Eren?” Jean asked, concerned.

“... No. I need to go to the hospital.”

Jean barged into the bathroom and knelt beside the tub.

“What happened?”

Eren hid his face in his hands.

“I... accidentally shoved my vibrator up my ass.” Jean burst up laughing, and Eren splashed glittery water on his expensive Armani suit. “I'm serious! And it's your fault for startling me!”

“I'm sorry, but it's hilarious.” He kept snickering. “Okay, seriously, I'm sorry. C'mon, let's get you dressed and in the car.” Jean kissed Eren's glittery cheek and got up, pushing the tub tray to the other side.

Every movement made Eren whine and moan, his hands twitching and his legs weak, dick slightly soft from the indignity but getting harder each time the vibrator moved and hit something inside him. Dignity forgotten, he let Jean towel him down, and carry him princess style to the bed.

“How about your button up with gold spikes?” He asked, lifting the aforementioned shirt.

“Jean, I'm going to the hospital, not a restaurant.” Eren complained but motioned yes to the shirt.

“Well, you wanna go naked? Besides, I've seen you clean the house in a party dress.” Jean handed him the shirt, and went looking for a skirt. “This black skirt looks nice.” He threw the garment at Eren, who barely managed to grab it. “And your golden slippers. I'm gonna throw in some boxers in your bag so you can put some after you get it out, and then we can go eat.” Jean disclosed his evil plan.

“You think-- I'm going to eat out after this?” He tried laughing, but it made the vibrator move inside and he moaned, body twitching, and laying down.

“I believe you'll be bone tired and hungry after, so I was thinking, that sushi joint you like?” Jean moved closer to help him get dressed.

“Jean, I'll probably pass out later.” Eren lifted his hips obediently so that Jean could put on the skirt. The soft cotton fabric touched his aching cock and he mewled, making Jean snicker.

“If I liked sex, I'd be all over you for these noises.” He commented.

“If you liked sex, I wouldn't have a vibrator up my ass.” Eren retorted.

“Point taken. Come here, sit up slowly.” Jean offered his hand and pulled Eren up slightly and slow, so that there wasn't so much movement to shove the vibrator anywhere. Being sit down made the feeling grow, and Eren tried asking for underwear. He wasn't about to leave jizz streaks on his Chanel skirt.

Then Jean stuffed his shirt inside his skirt's hem, and he felt better about coming on his H&M shirt than on his skirt.

“Here, let's get up. Put on your shoes.” He directed. “You look perfect. Let's grab your bag and put on a headband.”

“Jean, I'm not going to eat out later.” He whined, putting the bag strap across his chest. Eren was positive he was going to stay the entire night in the ER room.

“Baby, please, didn't you read that story online, with the guy who did the same as you? They're just going to get an x-ray to see where it is and then they'll pull it out.” Jean waved his hand, putting a white tiara on Eren's head. “You look so cute. Need me to carry you to the car?”

“No...” He tried to give one step ahead and felt the vibrator move. “... yes. Yes, please.”

Jean snickered, but pulled him up in a princess carry. It still was uncomfortable when Jean walked, but at least the toy wasn't bumping his prostate all the time.

“Grab the keys, please, and open the door.” Jean was straining, and Eren snickered, but grabbed the car and house keys and put on his lap.

In the corridor, with each step Jean took, Eren twitched. He felt his dick twitch and rub against the shirt's fabric, and he had to bite back his moans. Halfway to the elevator, they met with one of their neighbors, Mrs. McAllister, who apparently had the same idea as Jean had almost an hour ago.

“Good evening, dearies!” She greeted them, cheerfully. “Oh, what's going on with Eren, is she alright?” She asked, worried.

“Oh, she ate something that made her unwell, I'm just taking her to the hospital. It's probably nothing.” Jean explained, walking with the old lady towards the lift.

“Oh my god! Are you sure it's not a little bugger coming on, sweetheart?” Mrs. McAllister said, coyly and Jean and Eren snickered.

“I assure you, Mrs. McAllister, it's not a baby.” Jean laughed.

“I'm infertile.” Eren supplied, helpfully, and the woman ate it up.

“Oh, I'm sorry, my girl. I sure hoped you two would make some wonderful children, babies are a delight.” She said, nostalgic.

“Don't worry, we can still adopt. And when we do, rest assured we'll let you take care of them if we need a lot of time for ourselves.” Eren said, amused. “My grandmother is still waiting on some cute grandchildren she can spoil, too.”

“You speak so well of your grandmother, I hope she visits some day.” Mrs. McAllister sighed, wistfully.

The elevator pinged. The three got in, Mrs. McAllister pressing ground floor and Jean pressing subterranean garage.

“She doesn't like airplanes, but I'm sure she'll come for the wedding.”

“Oh, airplane? Where does she live?” The old woman asked.

“In Ankara, Turkey.” Eren replied patiently. It wasn't the first time he told the woman that, and he had a feeling it wouldn't be the last.

“Ah, yes, that is a bit far.” She conceded. The elevator announced the ground floor. “Well, sweethearts, it's my stop. Feel better, girlie, I'd hate to lose my best neighbor.” She waved as she made her way out. Eren waved for both he and Jean.

“So, you're Mrs. McAllister's favorite neighbor? That's impressive.” Jean commented.

“Once she knocked on the door to ask for some flour and we ended up baking a cake.” Eren shrugged, and the elevator pinged again. When Jean started walking, Eren started whining lowly.

“And she thinks you're a girl? Please grab the keys, I'm gonna put you down.”

“The mind registers what the mind wants.” Eren said, sagely.

The drive to the hospital was quiet, punctuated with quiet moaning from Eren each time the car passed any irregularities in the road. Eren nearly cried when they got there and he had to sit on a wheelchair.

“It's starting to hurt!” He whined loudly, but Jean merely ignored him and went beside him as the guard pushed him in.

“You put yourself in this situation, darling.”

Luckily the batteries were dying down. Not so luckily, now it was starting to feel weird and painful. He shifted every so often in the wheelchair, uncomfortable, as he filled out the form. When they got to the reason of the visit, he gave it to Jean fill out. It was too embarrassing for him, but Jean had no shame at all.

“Technically, it's your fault; who startles their partner while they're doing... it.” Eren mumbled.

“What was that?” He asked, looking for a place where they could sit.

“Nothing.” He gave up discussing this, and just leaned back as Jean wheeled him to a corner seat, putting Eren beside him.

“Cheer up, it's gonna be out in a few, and we'll be able to go have dinner.” He said, cheerfully.

“I told you, I'm not going to eat out with you. I'll probably pass out.”

“Eren Jaeger.” The nurse called, putting a temporary end to the discussion.

Jean pushed Eren to the examination room.

“And you are...?” She barred Jean from entering.

“Eren's fiancé. Can I be in the same room as him?” He asked, putting on his 'important man' airs, but the nurse was unimpressed.

“Not while he changes. You can come in when we're finished putting him in scrubs.” She said, impossibly serious. “It's not our first case of accidental insertion of objects anally today, sir. We'll handle him carefully.” She assured Jean, closing the door. “Your fiancé seems very loving.” The nurse turned to Eren, obviously making small talk to distract him from the discomfort.

“He is, sometimes.” Eren nodded, taking the nurse's hand to straighten himself.

“How long have you been together?” She asked, taking Eren's skirt off, guiding him slowly out of it.

“Officially, seven years. If you ask our parents, fifteen years.” He laughed, wincing at the pain when the vibrator, now still, bumped his insides when he stepped front.

“That's a long time. How was your engagement party?” She grabbed a purple scrub from the stretcher, while he unbuttoned his shirt.

“We're friends with his boss and his girlfriend, so they reserved a reunion hall in the Hilton in Istanbul, and grandmother did the rest.” He accepted the hospital clothes easily, leaning on the bed while the nurse tied up the back of the gown. “It was very traditional, with dancers, lots of food, and the traditional dowry giving.”

“That is very traditional, indeed.” She laughed. “I'm going to call your doctor now. Just relax and lay down.” She said, opening the door, letting a very concerned Jean in.

“You alright?” He asked, fixating on Eren's uncomfortable expression.

“Yeah. Help me up here.” He motioned to the stretcher.

Jean carefully helped Eren on the stretcher, holding his hand when he finally managed to lay down, panting.

“Could be worse,” Jean commented, “the doctors could know you and tell your dad.”

Just as Jean said that, the doctor came in.

“Eren! Long time no see!”

“Hanji?” They said in unison, Eren not even lifting his head, afraid of any juggling.

“Hello, my lovelies, it's truly been a while!” They laughed, flipping through Eren's form. “So, you got a stick up your ass and would like me to remove it?”

“When you put it like this...” He sighed.

“Alright, my little old disciple. Let's skip formalities. How long has the vibrator been in?” They asked, professionalism slipping in their voice.

“Uh... little less than two hours?” Eren said, hesitantly.

“Awesome. The radiography guys are a bit overloaded, there was a car crash earlier, so we're doing this the old-fashioned way, okay? I'm going to put an anesthetic cream, then with a small forceps, I'll pull it out. You should be out of here walking in no time.” They said and it was actually reassuring.

They went narrating step by step, so that Eren felt more comfortable with their presence.

“Here, I'm gonna use these to spread your legs, so your rectum is straighter. It'll hurt less this way. Now, I'm going to use a speculum to see how far in it is, and I'll put some anesthetic so it hurts less. It's gonna be uncomfortable.” Hanji spoke, and Eren whined when he felt their gloved hands spreading a cold cream. “Don't get all excited with your man beside you, that's poor taste, sweetheart.” They joked as they inserted the speculum, and Eren nearly cried when they started stretching. “Easy, boy. Lucky for you it's very close. Hang on a little,” they grabbed a small forceps for surgical removal of stuck suppositories, “I'm inserting the forceps, and... caught it.” Eren was holding Jean's hand with such force he thought he'd need some pain meds later. “I'm pulling it out, hang on...” Eren started crying again, as the cylinder moved inside him. “And... It's... out!” They raised the vibrator, triumphantly, and Eren sighed in relief.

“It's over. Oh, my god, it's over.” He said, breathing out.

“What lesson did we take out of this experience, kids?” Hanji asked, cheerful, packing the vibrator in a bag.

“Masturbating is dangerous.” Jean said.

“You should never startle your masturbating partner.” Eren corrected him, wincing as he sat down.

“Both are very good, valuable lessons.” They nodded, filing out the release form. “Get dressed, I'll prescribe you a light painkiller, and if in a week you still have pains or any trouble with your physiological needs, you come back and we'll see if there was some damage I couldn't see.” They raised their head, as Eren pulled up his skirt and unlaced his scrubs. “Hoo, boy, where did you get those boobs? Last I saw you, you didn't have them!”

Eren covered up quickly, aided by Jean, and buttoned his shirt up in record time.

“Uhh... I used a different anti-androgen after my 18th birthday, and it turns out dmab people have significant quantities of estrogen in our bodies...” He explained, tucking his shirt in and putting his shoes on.

“Nice. A-cup?” Hanji continued, not really paying attention.

“Yeah. Didn't feel like bras, though.”

“You should. A-cup bras are cute. Lacy and transparent, no killer wire under, I bet your man there will love it.” They kept going, signing the prescription. “Here you go.”

“Hanji, this is Jean we're talking about.” Eren laughed, but Jean was thinking.

“You wouldn't look bad in a bra, Eren.” He finally said when Eren picked up his bag and prescription with Hanji. He pulled something from the bag and helped Eren into his girl boxers.

“See, darling? Trust your Hanji, they know stuff.” They tutted.

“Don't encourage them, Jean.”

“All set. Hope to see you again in less hectic settings!” Hanji clapped, handing Jean the release forms.

Eren limped beside Jean, putting the plastic bag with his vibrator inside his bag with his documents.

“That went better than expected.”

“No, it didn't. That was embarrassing.” Eren said, as Jean swiped his card to pay for the intervention.

“C'mon, cheer up. Now we get to go to your favorite sushi bar. It's just around eight now.” Jean put in his password, putting an arm around Eren.

“You're still dead set on that, aren't you?” Eren yawned. “Fine. Let's go. But one comment about my ass and I'll hit you.” He threatened.

“Fair enough.” Jean conceded.

As Hanji promised, his butt was moderately pain free still by the time they arrived at the restaurant. He managed to sit comfortably for most of the meal, listening to Jean talk about his day in the office, how hectic it was, the sheer amount of meetings he had to go and documents he had to classify.

“Are you happy with your job?” Eren asked timidly, picking at his salmon rolls.

It was a question he asked everytime he felt like a burden to Jean.

“Yes, very. It's demanding and tiring, and I deal with a lot of jackasses a day, but the hours are good and my boss isn't heartless like most of Wall Street. Plus it pays enough that I can spoil my fiancée a lot.” He assured Eren, lacing their fingers together.

“And what about your art?”

“Well, I still have time to paint in the weekends and while you're making dinner, but I told you already, I have a major in Business with a minor in International Relations, art is more a hobby than what I intended to do for the rest of my life.” He squeezed the other's hand, who squeezed back and finally chose a roll to eat. “Why are you asking these questions?”

“Because you had to take me to the hospital today, and I just felt like the biggest dead weight in your life, and you could be living off your art, you know?” He said, miserably.

“Well, if you are a dead weight, you're the prettiest dead weight I've ever had to carry.” Jean laughed it off. “Now, seriously, I don't think of you as dead weight. You clean, you cook, you don't go about spending my money like it's water in the river. You're a damn near perfect housewife, baby. That and I love you. Makes you worth it, you know.”

“Sentimental loser. I love you too.”

* * *

 

A few weeks later, Jean was flying back from a business trip to Glasgow, and had emphasized he didn't want Eren picking him up from LaGuardia. Eren had argued with him, but to no avail. Jean had a surprise and he wanted that surprise to be given at home, 'where I can watch your reaction without anyone else looking.'

Eren had just finished changing the living room's decorations placements when he heard the door opening.

“Baby, I'm home!”

“I noticed.” Eren all but ran into Jean, trying to not look as excited as he felt.

“Wow, such excitement. I feel the love.” He said, sarcastically.

“Alright, alright, I missed you.” Eren rolled his eyes, giving Jean a kiss.

“That's much, much better. I got a box of gifts for you.” He chirped, walking towards the bedroom with his suitcase rolling beside him, his travel coat on his arm.

Eren grabbed the coat, throwing it in the laundry hamper.

“Can I ask what the gifts are? I'm curious.” He jumped on the bed, shirt riding up his back, leaving a streak of skin visible.

“Of course you can. I just won't answer.” Jean replied, laying down his suitcase, flopping on the bed on the opposite side as Eren, using the position to his advantage and kissing the strip of skin.

“Hey, not fair! So I prepare your favorite dish, which is resting in the oven, by the way, and you won't even tell me what you got me!” He whined, squirming away.

“I'm sorry, Eren, I'm jet-lagged. I'm just gonna lay down a while, but if you must know what it is, it's in my bag, in a box.” He said, kicking his shoes off.

Eren jumped off the bed, and Jean took the position to appreciate Eren's legs in skinny jeans. His ass looked good in those too. The flimsy shirt was too thin, and let Jean see what was under it. It surprised him, that there was even anything under the shirt to appear through it.

“So, you bought bras. I really wondered why did you drop two hundred bucks on Agent Provocateur, when you don't buy your underwear in any of these girly brands.” He commented, rolling on the bed so he could appreciate the view better.

“Yeah. Armin taught me how to get the underwire out, and they had cute ones... Yeah. Did you like it?” He asked, insecure, holding the box.

“You look fantastic. Did you get something else, or did you really spend two hundred dollars in bras?”

Eren sat down heavily on the bed, crossing his legs and putting the box in his lap, pulling off the shirt so Jean could fully appreciate the garment. It was a black lacy thing with studs on the inner border and a full underwire bottom.

“I may have gotten a full look for our wedding night, too, before I remembered you probably wouldn't care.” He admitted.

“Aww, always trying your hardest. How about I try to consummate our marriage, for you?” He winked and Eren meeped.

“I'm gonna see what's in the box now.” He announced, opening it.

He was startled by the contents of his gift.

Inside the box, underneath tubes that read 'booty relax', 'slide and ride' and 'liquid satin', a wipes box called 'buzz fresh' and a crystal studded body wand, was a pink... thing.

“What... is this?” Eren asked, dazzled, lifting the shaft.

“It's a vibrator that I believe will be impossible for you to accidentally sit on and need to go to the hospital to get out.” Jean explained and Eren was mortified.

“Jean! It was an accident!”

“Well, it won't happen again with this beauty. Also, it apparently has this system where the longer you hold the button, the faster it vibrates. Plus it's waterproof, so you can use it in the bathtub.” He said, simply.

“Jean, what the hell. You walked into a sex shop for me.” Eren hid his face in his hands, blushing hard.

“Well, for most of these. The vibrator I had to shop online.”

“Still, oh my god. Will you ever forget that, that you went into a sex shop for me? It's embarrassing!”

“Oh, come on.” Jean got up from the bed and put the box aside. “Confess, you're dying to try it.” He tackled Eren, who yelped and squirmed, but didn't try to get out of the embrace. Eren was stronger than Jean, but he always let the other manhandle him, which was one of the greatest affection signs Eren knew. “You just wanna test the settings, see if they're as good as the ad says.”

“... Maybe.” He said coyly, and let Jean kiss him. “But why a wand? I don't see many uses for that.” Eren grabbed the extra toy, frowning.

“Oh that. That's not actually for you, Mikasa told me to get something for her from Ann Summers, since I was in the UK. She's coming to visit with Annie since they missed the housewarming party.” He replied, shrugging.

“You bought sex toys, not just for me, but for my best friend. I'm done with life.” Eren complained, throwing an arm over his eyes dramatically.

“C'mon, don't be so overdramatic. At least Mikasa didn't ask why I was in a sex shop.”

“Wait, you offered? You're terrible.”

“Am not. I could've told her. 'Hey, yeah, I'm free. I'm in a sex shop because Eren accidentally shoved his vibrator inside his ass so I'm getting him a new one.' It can always get a lot worse, sweetheart.”

Eren grabbed his shirt and sat up, sliding it back on, and then, thinking of it better, taking it off again, popping open his pants.

“I'm going to test this now, and I don't wanna see you for like, two hours. Think of what you've done, because I'm sure this is bribery so that she won't make jokes about it when she visits. I'll be in the bathroom when you're done thinking.”

Jean sighed, and sat up to get rid of his button up shirt and pants, getting ready to a nap. He wondered if he should bring out the couch overnight kit, because probably Eren was making him sleep there. He didn't regret telling Mikasa, though. He doesn't think he ever heard her laugh for so long in the time he's known her.

**Author's Note:**

> as always, kudos if you like it, comments if you want to yell at me owo i deserve it, bring it on


End file.
